dear will

Dear Will,

I am so sorry that I couldn’t save you.  I would have done anything to switch places with you and take away all your pain.  I’m sorry that you spent your time here on Earth sick.  I’m sorry that I didn’t protect you from getting sick, I promise that I tried.  I’m sorry that you only got to be in your home for a few hours.  We feel your absence everyday.  I am sorry that you don’t get to grow up with your brother and sisters.  I know that you would have brought so much fun and joy and laughter into their lives.  Every time I look at Caroline I think about you, I’m sorry that she doesn’t have you by her side anymore.  You are so missed, my sweet boy. 

I hope you felt nothing but love from us during your time here on Earth.  I treasured every moment we got to spend together and I hope I never forget the way you looked up at me with your big blue eyes or how your little body felt snuggled up into mine when I got to hold you.  I’m sorry if you ever felt scared, I did everything I could to protect you and help you feel safe.  I sometimes feel like you are missing out, on life here with us, but really I know you are in the most loving and safe place with our Heavenly Father who loves you infinitely more than we ever could.  We are the ones missing out on you.  I think about you all the time and I wonder what you would be like today.  It feels like I lose you again with every new stage of life.  I think it will feel like that forever but I want you to know that you are worth it.  I would never trade the 96 days we had with you, even if I knew how they would end.  Given the choice I would take the pain and the grief and the constant struggle of wanting you back because if I didn’t have those things then I never would have had you.  I hope you know what an inspiration you are to so many people and how many lives you have already impacted.  I wish you were still here and so many times I think about what if things were different, what if you didn’t come in contact with the virus or what if you were born just one week later, one day earlier.  It can be consuming but it really just comes back to the deep desire to have you here.  I wanted you, I still want you and I always will.  I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.
​
I love you,
​Mommy

Single shadow
I should be seeing double
I memorize her ever move
While my insides turn to rubble

Single laugh
I should be hearing two
I cherish every single note
All the while missing you

Single kiss
My lips should touch another
I steal as many as I can
While longing for her brother

Single hand
Holding onto mine
I soak in every ounce of her
While in my heart for you I pine

Single smile
Bringing light to every space
My heart swells with gratitude
Wishing I could see your face